Blather

It’s been a long time since I posted. In some ways, it’s been a long time since I did anything.

I had actually started driving a cab just under 3 weeks before I posted last time. I enjoyed it, was told by the owner of the company that I was fairly good at it… but.

To be brutally honest, I just quit showing up. The cab companies here are set up, like I imagine they are most places, with the drivers as individual contractors who basically lease the cars they drive for their shifts. Drivers are responsible for a pre-shift check of fluids, cleanliness, and safety features of the car (tire pressure, presence of the spare/fire extinguisher/first aid kit) as well as gas and cleaning for every shift. It got to the point where I was bringing home about $30-$60 per twelve-hour shift, and driving 18.5 miles, either as a passenger of a co-worker getting off their shift or in my truck, one way for that piddling amount looked less and less worth it every night. Coupled with the fact that I was diagnosed with diverticulitis and started having some mental health issues as well… I just quit showing up.

I also pulled more into myself. Oddly enough, I follow 323 people on Twitter, less than 20 of whom I’ve met face-to-face, I have 118 “friends” on Facebook, most of whom are cousins I haven’t seen in 10-30 years or actual friends I met through gaming in one way or another. I play WoW nearly every day. Yet…

I’ve had my (second) twitter account for just over 3 years and have 4746 tweets. I don’t remember how many tweets I had on the previous account, but it wasn’t a lot. Most of my Facebook posts are tweets that are auto-published or shares of pictures. I will do a very occasional rant at the political wrong-headedness I see from portions of my family and friends. I rarely post in the chat channels on WoW. My social interaction is passive. I absorb and occasionally reflect, but overall, it just flows over and around me.

My physical social interactions, especially since I quit showing up to drive a cab, are limited to my Lions club. We have gotten some new members in the last several years, but a good half or more are well past retirement age, and are slowly dying off. I have taken over the social media presence (actually creating a Twitter account) and the website (getting a new domain name and building it up with some helpful tools).

I quit going to church a year and a half ago. I don’t even know how to categorize myself spiritually anymore. The closest I can come most days is Agnostic/Deist, with leanings toward a few different flavors of pagan mysticism.

All of this is basically both explaining and avoiding saying that I’ve been depressed for a little over a month now. Most people, even those who interact with me most often (which isn’t often at all, except for my husband) wouldn’t necessarily recognize it, because I’m really good at functioning as if I’m fine when I have to. I even appear cheerful in the mirror most of the time. But there’s this underlying grey to everything. It’s hard to work up enthusiasm for anything, and the enthusiasm I do work up doesn’t last long.

I haven’t left my house for longer than an hour or two more than twice, I think. It’s not agoraphobia in the traditional sense of the world being a scary place, it’s a sense that the effort it takes to be outside my little bubble is just too much.

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