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    Mania?

    I think that week where I met my step goals and adulted all over the place was a week of mania in the bipolar sense. I don’t get those spates often, and they’re usually shorter. Being up up up is as exhausting as being blah, and in some cases makes the blah times seem even blah-er. I often wonder while I’m in those manic states if it’s the way things should be all the time, because I do get more exercise, I do feel better…

    But then, when I’m in what seems normal, where I do enjoy things but don’t have that drive and “whoo!” thing going on even most of the time, it seems more disordered than it does when I’m in the midst. At least as disordered as the times when it’s hard to stand up and walk my 250+ steps each hour because even that amount of effort seems exhausting. Hmmm. Maybe it’s because people around me have seen me in my occasional manic states and seen that as what I could be doing if only I worked at reaching my potential, but maintaining that effort in a normal state seems exhausting, much less in a depressive state. And I’ve internalized that. So seeing that as disordered is so helpful because it’s not what I need to be doing all the time and exhausting myself, it is disordered, and I can take advantage of it while not expecting it to be the baseline. Regardless of whether it is for anyone else.

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